A would-be saboteur arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland made the bizarre claim that he was from the future. Eloi Cole, a strangely dressed young man, said that he had travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world.
We all know the Large Hadron Collider was a bad idea. Messing with things that complicated can only end in disaster. Eloi Cole came from hundreds of years in the future to save us, much like John Conner sent the Terminator back in time to save a younger John Conner from another Terminator in Terminator 2.
Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. "Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening."
First of all, I don't like the editorializing going on here. So what if he was wearing a bow tie and "too much tweed." Maybe that's just how they dress in the future? Anyways, is this something we should just simply discount?
Mr Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered.
Now we'll never know what awaits humanity in the future. Maybe Cole could have explained to us how to solve global climate change and bring peace to Israel and Palestine. We'll never know now, and it's our own fault.
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