How to give a John McCain speech

Speak in front of a bright green backdrop. This is known as a "green screen" and it can be used later to insert special effects behind you, like car chases and lightsaber duels.

Start your speech with: "My friends..." and use this phrase frequently as a crutch to allow your brain to catch up with your mouth.

Tell a lie right out of the gate ("Pundits and party elders have declared that Senator Obama will be my opponent") and then say you'll run an honorable campaign.

Smile awkwardly at inappropriate times, like when you're talking about casualties in Iraq or home foreclosures. Nothing says "I care" like gleaming metal and ivory.

When the crowd applauds, act like you've never heard such a noise before and make facial gestures indicating you’d like it to stop.

Clamp your eyeballs on the teleprompter like a vise. When you switch your gaze to a different prompter, take a moment to focus your eyes. This slight pause in your cadence will sound awkward and stiff, but it will prevent you from saying things like, "We have succseen the success..."

There's nothing better to whip a crowd into a froth with than laundry lists!! You'll want at least five in your speech. Be sure they're lists of things that the Republican party has screwed up over the last eight years. Like this: "Health care, energy, the environment, the tax code, our public schools, our transportation system, disaster relief, government spending and regulation, diplomacy, military and intelligence services."

Here's another: "Job loss, failing schools, prohibitively expensive health care, pensions at risk, 'entitlement programs' approaching bankruptcy, rising gas and food prices, to name a few." The last four words are important to say, because you don't want to give away the entire list of failures so early in the campaign. Pace yourself and keep them guessing.

Blink your eyes like a strobelight. Appearing uncomfortable inspires confidence!

When laying out your generic to-do list for Americans ("We have to rethink, reform, and reinvent the way we educate our children, train our workers, deliver our health care services, support our retirees, fuel our transportation network, stimulate research and development, and harness new technologies."), make it sound like you're assigning ten hours of homework to a classroom of sixth-graders the day before summer vacation starts.

Remind Americans of a natural disaster that took place recently and which your party leaders reacted to with off-the-charts incompetence. But don’t mention the part where you were enjoying birthday cake a couple thousand miles away with the President when it happened. As you talk about the failures of the federal Katrina disaster relief effort, take a moment to flash one of those inappropriate smiles. It's funny!

Rail against special interests, but don’t mention the lobbyists that have swarmed around your campaign like locusts.